It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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