I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i've created a new STD.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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