If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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