found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
