i may or may not be watching the land before time
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
