This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
