At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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