It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
When did angry sex become our thing?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
