i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
