I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My life is pants optional.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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