U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
not ubering you a puppy
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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