Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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