he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
