someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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