If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
