I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
