I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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