Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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