Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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