and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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