nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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