3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
