im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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