Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
