worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
