People in love make me want to vomit
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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