birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
