it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
