he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
