i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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