i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
