I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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