I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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