What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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