I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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