how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
