Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
