Are we in a gay sports bar?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
