i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
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