People in love make me want to vomit
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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