Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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