Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
