and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
