normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
