I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
