I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
