Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
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