You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
