Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
