Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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