if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
