He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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