The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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