I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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