Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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