yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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