he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
