I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
