Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
