Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
