If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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