He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
