What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
